A Dodgy Blight

The Christian Church folks!

Satirising The Christian Church

For those of us brought up in a Christian society the Christian ethos and dogma is deeply implanted in our psyche. Even if one is brought up an atheist the prevailing religious dominance has its insidious effect from the first day at school. It is not hard to see the stupidity of the Christian religion, only the thoroughly brainwashed or plain stupid could swallow the drivel that is the Christian Creed. And then there are also the bizarre rituals practiced on a daily basis by the various branches of the Christian Church. Drinking the Saviour's blood?... surely that can't be right! Staring at him being tortured naked in the greatest agony of his short life?... that has to be perverted! And why would any sane person wish to give up their Sunday morning sleep-in to get a cold and sore bum sitting on a hard wooden pew while being ear-bashed by some pretentious dictator passing judgement on the way one lives one's life?... And paying for the privilege? Madness!

People have been making fun of the Church since day one and more power to them! Famous comedians such as Dave Allen, Pete and Dud and Monty Python spring to mind. Laughter is the great sanitiser! It blows away double-think and pulls the wool away from your eyes. If you can't laugh at something it just means that you are not thinking straight. Everything can be funny if only it is phrased in the right way.

The Church Of Infinite Dimensions was set up as an antidote to the various idiot religions of the world as you can read on the first page of the Karimath. Thus it is that a hymn satirising the Christian churches has a valid place in this Church. Before people start getting precious about this let me say that if someone wishes to satirise this Church or any of its aspects my response is: "Go your hardest"! If you do a good job I'll be the first to laugh.

The ideal vehicle for this satire is the hymn "All My Hope On God Is Founded". The irony is most trenchant here as my parody turns the entire concept of faith and devotion to the idiot Christian dogma expressed in the original on its head.

The original words were German: "Meine Hoffnung stehet feste" (My hope is certain) written by Joachim Neander in 1680. This was then translated to the English words we now use by Robert Bridges in 1899. The words were originally set to the tune "Meine Hoffnung" by Joachim Neander in 1608, but now mostly set to "Michael" written by Herbert Howells in 1936.

Herbert Howells harmonisation and arrangement of what is a pretty simple tune is extremely advanced, utilising numerous suspensions, ninths, minor sevenths and semi-discords. It appears to me that Howells was desperately trying to match the genius of Hubert Parry in his masterpiece "Jerusalem" who applied all the same tricks 20 years earlier and considerably better. The tune itself has three bars of 6/4 in a song that is otherwise in 4/4. There are also a few places where the tune adds an extra note to a single syllable for no reason other than to extend the end of the line, possibly for dramatic effect, most noticeably at the end of the verse. These tricks were both employed by the great English composer and hymn arranger Ralph Vaughan Williams in his hymn "Down Ampney" thirty years before and again, it seems obvious that Howells was desperately trying to compete.

As is the case with Jerusalem, the hymn is specified as unison, pretty rare in the Anglican canon where nearly all hymns are arranged for 4 parts. This is due to the extremely complex harmony and the desire to maintain suspensions through multiple syllables. However, these obstacles are not insurmountable and since I had had success in adapting Parry's incredible arrangement of Jerusalem for SATB there was no real difficulty in adapting Howells' arrangement to suit the same ensemble.

Music: Herbert Howells, 1936
Words: Warren Mars, 2018

All my common sense is gone now, in its place a dodgy blight.
Since I joined the Church of Jesus, I can see that black is white.
Without brain, I feel no pain.
Drop me in and pull the long chain.

Mary was a virgin mother, even though she had a spouse.
Yahweh's ghostly penis slid inside her while she cleaned the house.
It's no shit, they did their bit:
Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Jesus preached and walked on water, turned two fish into a ton.
Then to save all us not born yet, God the father killed his son.
Can't see how, a dead man now,
Makes us live forever somehow.

Sunday is the day for resting, yet to church I'm forced to go.
Where I park my aching backside with the greatest dags I know.
I confess, the priest's address,
Breaks my mind and bores me senseless.

When I'm dead I'll go to Heaven, with a halo in the sky.
Where I'll praise the Lord almighty, til I wish that I could die.
Let me out! I'll scream and shout.
For sure this ain't what life is about.

The vocal score with chords is provided here.
I have also provided an SATB arrangement for choirs here.

Finally, I have provided a recording of my computer synthesizer playing the SATB arrangement. There is no singing and the synthesizer is very ordinary. Nevertheless the parts are all there and one can sing along with it or use it get an idea of how it should sound with your choir.