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Life in the trenches...

The battle between male and female for control has been going on since the beginning, and it will go on till the end. My objective in this sermon is not to attempt to end the battle, but to draw up some boundary lines so that the battle can be waged in comfort, without the participants feeling that they have to leave.

Let it be said: Man and Woman are different; inside and out, mentally and physically, emotionally and culturally. Feminists and members of the politically correct brigade who wish to be believe that we are fundamentally the same and are all working toward the same goal; you are deluded! Try living in the real world.

You may deride me here as merely presenting age-old views and rewarming hide-bound ideology, but maybe the human cultural perspective of thousands of years is correct! Or at least it contains much that is correct. And a culture that is based on this experience may yet be the best way to live.

Physically:

There is no question that Men are generally stronger that women, and usually quite a lot stronger. Everyone knows this. They are generally faster, taller and more resistant to bruising. However, in matters of stamina they are much the same.

This means that the traditional hard physical work will always be man's work. Unfortunately for many men, the traditional hard physical work that they are designed to perform is mostly gone. Tilling fields by hand, digging ditches by hand, tree felling by axe, hunting with spear and club, fighting battles with sword and shield, man-handling livestock, working stone with hammer and chisel, mining with pick and crowbar etc... These are pretty much all gone ... And with them much of the respect, admiration and place in society that was accorded the strong man in the past.

Intellectually:

IQ tests and exam results tend to suggest that averaged over a broad range of mental disciplines, male and female have about the same intellectual ability.

This does not mean to say that they are of equal ability in any specific discipline. On the contrary, males tend to be better at matters of single-line, pure logic thought, such as maths, physics, computers etc, whereas women have the edge in matters that require a multi-line, indirect, non-rigid approach, typically involved in dealing with people, such as teaching, social work, raising a family etc.

Men seem to have a little extra determination in matters of career that gives them the drive to get to the absolute top of any particular tree. That is why people at the very top are generally men, and why it will remain the case. You must completely devote yourself to the job to get to the absolute top, this is the natural pursuit of a certain class of men who wish to be leaders, a women's natural drive is to bring up her children, they simply can't bring the full force of their life to anything else.

Women on the other hand have the ability to do several things at once. This is an advantage they have over men that manifests in various unspectacular ways in everyday living. Just because it appears unspectacular doesn't make it any the less useful.

Women are also generally more persistent when it comes to people.

Emotionally:

It is a trite little cliché that women are emotional creatures, but it is true nonetheless. It is generally women that burst into tears, that jump from anger to love in a minute, that rush to sympathize with friends or children and that swoon in the face of love.

It is similarly a cliché that men are unfeeling creatures, who are too tough to reveal the emotions that they bottle up to their cost; and there is similarly a fair bit of truth in this. It is the men that don't reveal pain and won't see the doctor, it is the men that can't wait to grab a rifle and slaughter any unfortunate animal that moves, and it is men that won't tell their friends when they are unhappy.

This is not to say that these statements are true of all people, they are after all, clichés. There are tough women and there are weeping men, and there is a complete continuum between the extremes. And in my experience I have found that real men are a bit more human than their cliché and that real women are a bit tougher and self-reliant than theirs. Nevertheless, women remain the more emotional and the more at the mercy of their emotions, men experience less emotion and it has less control over them. This is not surprising when you consider the difference in endocrine physiology.

I don't believe that either approach to emotions is superior. It is good to acknowledge and express one's emotions and it is also good to be tough and self-reliant. So long as one doesn't go to either extreme any stance is healthy. Just avoid being a hysterical, helpless milk-sop seeking a dependency or a repulsive, anti-social tough guy carrying a great sack of denial.

Culturally:

Whether it be politically correct or not, women are designed to make, deliver and raise babies. This is the natural focus of their lives. I believe that unless a women becomes a mother and is able to raise her child she is not fulfilled. One need only observe the change in women before and after they give birth to see that. Although becoming a father is of great importance to a man, I don't believe it is at quite the same level that motherhood is for a woman.

Whether it be politically correct or not, men are designed to hunt, fight, farm and make things. It is their job to provide the background for the family, the physical foundation on which the family is built. Men's lives are focused on things rather than babies. It is no accident that men love tools, sport, cars and fishing, this is what they are built to do. This is not to say that women don't like cars, but it is not quite at the same level that it is for a man.

Men and women have a different philosophy of life, a different set of priorities and a different set of interests. That is why there are chick-flicks and boy-movies, girl-pop and heavy-metal, and nifty little women's cars and thumping big men's V8s. One is not necessarily superior to the other, they are just different. Nor should one attempt to change the other. Ideally they should complement each other and make a better world for each sex... Ideally...

Unfortunately we don't live in an ideal world!

Battleground Home

The dissonance caused by the difference between the culture of the sexes manifests everywhere that men and women are present, but this is most strongly and starkly apparent in the home. It is in the home, where a man and a woman are living together as a couple that the battle is fought on a daily basis.

The battle is fought on a vast number of fronts, since everything that one does affects the other. Here are a list of just some of the fronts:

Large things:

When do we have sex?
Where do we live?
What house do we buy?
How many children do we have?
Who goes to work?
How much does work impact on home life?
How religious are we?
What friendships do we pursue?
How do we spend our money?

Medium things:

What do we watch on the TV?
What do we eat?
What sort of sex do we have?
Where do the children go to school?
Who cleans the house? How often?
Who cooks the food?
What clothes do we wear?
How much do we take drugs?
Where do we spend our holidays?
What time do we awaken?
What time do we go to bed?
Who drives the car?
How much do we tolerate our parents/in-laws?

Small things:

Who sleeps on which side of the bed?
Which side of the wardrobe is whose?
How do we squeeze the toothpaste tube?
How often do we shower?
What toilet paper do we use?
What paintings do we hang?
What sheets do we use?
What carpet do we buy?
What colour do we paint this room?
Do we leave this door open or closed?

etc ... etc ... etc ...

Everyday, in every way!

Disputing every activity is intolerable. Agreeing with everything the other does is inconceivable. Trouble is inevitable! So what do people do to solve the dilemma?

Unconditional Surrender

Perhaps the best, and certainly the simplest solution: one party surrenders all control to the other in the interests of peace. In my limited experience this seems to be the most common strategy among long-lasting couples.

Perhaps in the past it may have been the women that generally surrendered but certainly now it is the men that give up. The persistence of a determined women will eventually wear down all but the most obstinate men.

The beauty of this solution is that there is no longer the pain of battle and the couple can get about their daily business with the security of knowing who is in control and what has to be done. If the dominant party is capable and benevolent, then this system can work very well. Such a ruler will take the trouble to discover what the other party wants and ensure that they get a reasonable percentage of that as they make their decisions.

Unfortunately the dominant party is not always capable and benevolent. Some rulers make poor decisions and others cannot even make decisions, but dither about, adding frustration to injury. Some rulers are entirely selfish, spending all the money on themselves or throwing it away on addictions. A few rulers are sadistic, amusing themselves by making the other's life a perpetual misery.

This scheme can work, and bring happiness to the couple, but only if the ruler is capable and benevolent. Indeed it may be the optimum solution where the submissive party is hopeless at making decisions and insensitive to the other's feelings.

Demarcation

The fairest solution, but not the easiest to implement. Most couples in my experience wind up with some form of this system, often combined with the dominance/submission scheme.

The idea here is that the home is broken down into areas, and each area has a boss who has the say in that area. So too the intangible parts of the relationship and especially the jobs.

The traditional demarcation is well known and goes something like:

• Man: Garage/workshop, bread winning, car/carriage driving, money handling, home defending, home maintenance, car maintenance, big decisions. bullet
• Woman: Kitchen, laundry, child raising, housecleaning, cooking, laundering/mending, shopping, small decisions.
• Disputed: Bedroom, garden, lounge

Feminists pooh-pooh these roles and dismiss them as patriarchic dominance dogma but the fact is that they are tried and true and evolved over thousands of years and many cultures and they suit the different characteristics of the sexes.

Of course there are problems with real-world cases of such couples because:

• People are rarely expert at all the roles expected of their sex. This is only to be expected since many of these tasks are rather tricky and few indeed are actually taught at school. This is something that could be addressed by society.
• In some cases the unconventional sex may be better at a task than the conventional, or may simply prefer to do that task, for example: some men prefer to cook and may even be better cooks, some women may be better at handling money and may prefer to so do.
• Some areas remain in dispute: for example: who controls the TV, what colour is the carpet, who is coming to visit etc.

Demarcation usually evolves as the power structure within the marriage is thrashed out, because few people are willing to surrender everything, and when one has surrendered one front it makes one more determined to shore up another.

Demarcation is a good model to proceed from. It frees up people to fulfil their daily business without the uncertainties and inefficiencies of constant discussion. It gives each partner self-respect, in that they know that they are responsible for part of the home, and that they are in control of that part. It also engenders respect for the other partner when one can see that they are capable of managing their part of the home with skill and energy, perhaps better than one could have done oneself.

There are problems with this scheme but no scheme is perfect. The trick is to make sure that the areas of power are roughly equal. I suggest that the demarcation be agreed upon and WRITTEN DOWN and SIGNED before marriage, so that it is clear what is expected from each party and it is clear when one party is stepping on the other's toes.

Perpetual War

The land of those who will neither lie down nor give up.

In this scheme at least one party is ready to battle for control of any and every part of the home at any time, and the other party is ready to resist them, at least in some matters.

It comes about because at least one party demands complete control and the other will not submit.

Sadly some men are sadistic tyrants and some women are domineering bitches. For the reasons why, one must consult the psychology of the individual, but the fact remains that some people are entirely self-centred and determined to have their way in all things. It may be that such people are incurable, in which case they should not be married except to those who are happily submissive.

One might think that the state of perpetual war would be intolerable and that it would be quickly terminated with divorce, but there are people whose culture, financial situation or religion does not permit divorce, and there are those whose love is so strong that they can't bear to live apart, and so these people soldier on, frustrated and often unhappy. What can I say? It is their decision.

Intelligent Discussion and Compromise on a Case by Case Basis

The politically correct methodology. The idea is that two intelligent, well meaning people can find a mutually agreeable solution to every disagreement through calm discussion.

Sadly this just doesn't work in reality.

Firstly there just isn't time to discuss everything. Life is too short and there is too much to do.

Secondly, and more critically, there is just no way that two people can reach agreement on everything. There are various reasons for this:

• People do not exhibit perfect logic, so their reasoning, though well intentioned, is faulty.
• People must perforce, work from incomplete or inaccurate data, so that their conclusions are faulty.
• The couple see the problem from different view points which may be simply incompatible.
• Underlying all calm discussion is the primitive desire to get your own way, which will not be denied.

It's like having a government run your day-to-day existence: it just can't work! Couples that claim they live happily this way are deluded. Their relationship is inevitably one of dominance and submission cloaked in pseudo-discussion where matters are talked about but the same party always gets their way.

Divorce

The exit from hell. When the situation is intolerable and there is absolutely no solution.

It may not be you that is to blame. Generally the party that is most disaffected will be the party that is most innocent. Generally, but not always. If your rights are being trodden on on a daily basis, the other party is probably quite happy, their rights are intact! Of course even here the disaffected is probably at fault in some areas, but the greatest fault will belong to the other.

Sometimes the parties are equally to blame, usually because they are simply incompatible, such people should never have married in the first place. This type of situation is generally quite obvious to any 3rd party with any sensitivity. Such couples will always have great differences in ideology, culture or makeup, making harmonious life together quite impossible.

It is an admission of failure, but it may not be you that is mostly to blame. Anyway it is better to admit to failure, cut your losses and start again than to persist in denying reality for the rest of your life.

Conclusion

Men and women are different; mentally and physically, emotionally and culturally. This need not be a bad thing, indeed if properly managed they ought to complement each other and produce a scenario better than either would on their own.

Each sex should be respected for its own characteristics, and neither sex should be regarded as superior to the other overall.

As a general rule, each sex should be encouraged to pursue their traditional roles, although individuals should not be prevented from pursuing those of the other sex if that is what they wish.

Problems will inevitably occur in the great majority of marriages, this should be expected and allowed for. The fairest solution to such difficulties is demarcation of the tasks and areas of the home to particular parties. There will still be disagreements from time to time, but if both parties are reasonable and compatible they should get most of what they want and should find life and love in the home worthwhile and generally pleasurable.